I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
