hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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