One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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