my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Less talking, more tequila
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
