dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he thought i was a dude.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
