You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
