Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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