dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
