Where are you?
In a non slutty way
420 ftw
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
It was confusing and full of hummus
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
