I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
