My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
