dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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