i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
