I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
