Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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