I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
