my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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