she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
