Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
