Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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