Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
