Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
