is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
