I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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