you will always have a special place in my vag
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize