When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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