I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i love accidental penises.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
