Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
