i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How's work?
Spinning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
