I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
