I'm jealous of your bromance
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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