i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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