I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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