I accidentally burped into my bong.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
