I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
