I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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