he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
