i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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