sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
