fuck your aforementioned shoe
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
