come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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