I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
