I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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