thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
