do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
