i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Randomize
