yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize