She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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