is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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