I just saw a hot homeless man
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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