Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
