the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
