All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
