His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
