is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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