I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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