I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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