Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
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