Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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