There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
