Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
