sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
