Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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